blech

Sorry for the absenteeism. Been slowly dissolving.
Will try to return to my semi-erratic schedule shortly.
until then, i'm trying something new. My twitter page

Though the sketch is getting old now, the cracks don't show.

the fan in my room rings harmonic
the hand in front of me pauses
mind rolls on
how tempting lately, how terrible
how benign it all seemed in retrospect.
watch the lights flicker in instrumental giddiness.
grinning skulls stare cold judgemental
the earth vibrates just so i can feel
feel i do, too much
close drooping lids catch a moment
perfection in a ten-minute song.
in a twitch it all vanishes
but here i sit.
alone bombarded
alone where i should be sleeping
and cant
run a hand over this cold body
wishing its ridges were more defined

maybe it's me that's changed.

sit by myself, sad morning
try to make sense of my life
my page is marred by a previous years indentation
try to caffienate: wake up
have to score, music for a movie, have two weeks
no spare time as is
-in the city, oh oh
wish i could hibernate
shut this all off for a few months
dodge the snow and holiday season
how have i changed? why?
have i lost or gained?
the day: haze of sorrow.
feel like painting a wall, screaming out to the morass
don't really want an answer,
just for it to be known that my spirit withers

and true love waits in haunted attics.

Feels like i update this thing less and less as time passes. I rarely think about this anymore.
and then it pops in my head, like i have to.
Most of my last few blogs seem to have been about the good things going on in my life.
so tonight i feel like a good whine.
some nights it seems like the best purchase i've ever made is my tea kettle.
seems like i'm falling apart, just like i said i would.
the rough-cut of the movie we made is done. we just need to write the score and we can submit it to tromadance.
so that's cool. and other things are still going well. the movie stuff is all good, though it's sucking the life out of me.

so yeah. the good things are still good i suppose.

but.

i have to say.

this year has been the worst year of my life by far.

i went from not having payments to having a new car.
two months later, right before my birthday, i got laid off.
a month later i got a job i hated down in salt lake.
a month after that i got dumped.
i wandered for a bit wanting to die.
then things got better for a bit.
i quit that job for another that sucks even worse.
my computer died and i lost all the music i've written for my solo project over the last few years.
i blew all the valves in my car and had to get a loan for $2000 to fix it, and was out a car for three weeks.
the water heater in my condo leaked and did damage to some lower condos. as a result we may have to move out.
i'm bombing my school tests regularly, in a class i got a solid A last semester in.
my band split up.
i've been sick on and off for like two months straight.
my car got broken into and my ipod got stolen two nights ago.

There's a concept in psychology called General adaptation syndrome.
In a nutshell it says that under repeated stress the body starts shutting down and can/will eventually die.
and that's a very simplified explanation of it, but i kind of feel like that right now. like i'm on my last legs.
like if one more fucking thing goes wrong in my life i'm going to just give up and let all my systems shut down.

and speaking of stress, and being too busy to even breathe, tonight i got roped in to spending all week
on set for a tv show my parent company is shooting.
awesome stuff to be a part of, but i'm on my last legs anyway. it may kill me.

That said, there's some exciting stuff on the horizon too, if i make it that far.
Our parent company is putting together a business plan with a pretty high-level consulting firm.
once that's written out and completed we begin the search for investors (we have people who are dedicated
to nothing but this for us).
provided we find enough investors to fill our business goals, i'll be on a salary, making as much as i've ever made in my life, and getting paid for each project on top of it.
so i pray daily that'll come to fruition and i can devote all my time and energy to something i love,
rather than feeding one more corporate conglomerate.

Everything was beautiful. The sun shone brightly down on his upturned face. His mind entered that near-perfect, near-empty state and he quietly began to merely exist.
Everything was beautiful. The corner of his mouth turned upward. He stared blankly, taking in all and nothing. The world stopped turning. The smoke from his hand slowed, curling lazily.
Everything was perfect. His lungs burned pleasantly and his brain coughed for him. She turned and he disappeared into her waiting lips. He fell for miles. Something vaguely atonal played, lost in the background.
Everything was perfect. Movement became fluid, singular. A man signed a piece of paper. Atonality became Neil Young. He ran a finger down the tanned skin of her arm. She recoiled. People shot at each other. Things exploded. Grown men wept like children.
Everything was going according to plan. Fabric rustled through select hands. Sorrow became a commodity. Her chest heaved, half exposed. Drops hit pavement. Men talked. He inhaled, letting the nicotine destroy him.
Everything was going according to plan. He smiled as his life faltered. A child played, laughed. Pain gave way to unease. Her eyes shimmered. He closed his. Hands held tightly. mothers cried.
Everything skipped a beat. Bombs kept falling. A country became an abomination. He squeezed her closer to him. She snored lightly. Hell became manifest. Public consciousness fixated on 15 year old singers. All was well.
Everything skipped. His nose dripped in the cold. Powers collided. Fire raged through houses full of innocents. Systems began to fail.
Everything was peaceful. Except the world. Except his soul. Calm pervaded his exterior. Lust propelled their movement. Dreams gave way to recession. Clouds gathered on the horizon.
Everything was peace. Except everything.
Everything was collapsing.
Everything was beauty. He smiled and clenched his fist.

something beautiful fell into my life.

Life is strange.
crazy how it works sometimes.
Three months ago i didn't know if life was worth living anymore.
I was hurt, broken, dazed. I was caught off guard.
I lost someone i loved a lot and had been with for two years.
I couldn't see beyond the pain and honestly, it was the worst breakup i've had.
not sure why, it just hurt so much more than i thought i could even feel.
So i walked around in a daze for weeks. Could barely speak. Didn't eat, didn't sleep.
I wanted to die and i didn't know how i could get around that.
Then i wanted to run away to see if that made that feeling go away, but i doubted it would.
Figured i could at least die somewhere cooler than this hole.
kidding.
mostly.
kinda.
I had the worst night of my life that few weeks later and again it all came rushing back to me,
just when i thought i was starting to be less devastated. That night almost completely ruined me.
The next night i got dragged out and had what was one of the best nights of my life.
An interesting two nights to say the least.
From that moment(saturday) things started being better.
I started finding myself again; being able to smile, be silly, have fun again.
And from there again, i started moving, breathing, existing.
in the time since the breakup i've written a movie, acted in one,
partnered on a film/literature/music/etc company,
started on a serious graphic novel,
had my band start going a different direction,
met awesome people,
and more i can't think of right now.
I've been busy as hell.
so busy that I've become somewhat of a bad friend to some.
and my body is falling apart,
and my brain feels crushed.
But i'm doing things i've always only dreamed of being able to do.
Seems so strange to think after all the pain it caused, but i almost want to thank her for it.
My life's been a lot better since

aaaand, that's a wrap.

last night about this time we wrapped the final shot of the movie i've spent the last
week straight working on. I got to pretend to be an actor again for the first time in a long time.
there was some craziness, and some crankiness, the drama of making a movie.
From sunday before last to last night i think i got maybe 12 hours of sleep.
my glands are swollen and i can hardly see straight
but i wouldn't trade it for the world.
Making movies is something i've always wanted to do, and now i'm doing it.
It's looking like i may put on the director and assistant director hat relatively soon too,
soon as i finish my screenplay and, assuming anyone likes it, we get rolling.
if all goes well it should be done by the end of the year.
so far it's dark, and it's brutal and i'm loving it.
but back to this one..
spent 7 days of what seemed like 24 hour company with some amazing talent, and some amazing
people in general.
I got to work with some incredible actors from LA, and to watch some pros work their magic
behind the camera - crew as well.
made some new friends that i'm stoked about..people i'll definitely be trying to keep in touch with.
standing around drinking coffee, chainsmoking and having great conversations in the middle of the night; spending time in close quarters, stressing together, laughing together, sharing sleep deprivation, warmth, support, and sense of community..damn great times.
Made some contacts i'll be calling back in when my movie rolls.
and i have to say that being 'talent' on a set was badass too.
being attended to hand and foot is killer. I even talked a really cool PA into putting a cig into my hand and lighting it when i held it up. ..as a joke mostly.
I even heard wind of some compliments on my acting, which i felt was probably a bit
too rough to compete with the pros.
So i went to work today and realized just how much i really do hate doing the kind of job
i tend to do.
And realized that i could probably spend every day of the rest of my life on a movie set
and be totally happy with it.
So i'm going to stick with school and finish it, and still do the band stuff,
but i'm going to bust ass on this screenplay and try to make it good,
and then i'm going to bust ass learning how to be a director and try to make the coolest
western ever
and then hopefully enough people will like it that i'll be able to drop the day-to-day
bullshit jobs and just focus on being an artist finally.
and more than focus, but get paid to be one and nothing else i don't want to have to be.