you should have shot yourself in the foot while it was in your mouth.

an old man shuffles down the street.
trying to make the bus.
awful, nonthreatening music plays.
i realize i've been staring out the window too long.
work has disappeared momentarily.
friends blink and are ignored.
a friend cooks me an amazing dinner. another blows me off.
another does a favor, as only a good friend can.
we talk, we listen, we touch, i leave.
a single frozen moment, muscles clenched in shock,
slip of the tongue, it came out and fear entered the room.
this room, the one i'm in now, is filled with canadian tuxedos, laptops, and obese girls
trying to be fashionable.
peace is dead, just like god was and all men become.
drink more bad coffee.
crave a smoke but i'm still fighting it.
trying to make impermanent static.
trying to make that change.
working on shaking a cold day, to create something out of a vague idea.
these days it's all beginnings and ends
thrown into the same jumbled pile.
it's missing compadres. irresponsible desires. change of scenery, change my mind.
it's trying to see through the haze of sobriety, rather than the clarity of self-destruction.
finishing things that should've been done years ago.
waking up after a long sleep, and staying up all night wishing i could drop off.
and none of it means any more than it did before, nor will it ever.
but to me it does, and for now that's all that matters.
'no', i say. i can't do it.
and there is sadness, but it's manageable.
or at least i tell myself it is.
i apologize, best i can.
never intended it to be this way.
but 'this way' seems to be the only way i can be right now.

everything is painted with my blood.

mm mm good.
lay down to take a nap yesterday, though i'd been feeling better than any day previous. woke up with that dirty penny taste in my mouth and rushed to the bathroom.
this picture really doesn't do justice, because at some points the sink was literally filling up with blood. i wish i would've had the presence of mind to get a pic of me too. i looked pretty metal with blood pouring down my beard, and dripping off my teeth.
sadly, at the time i was preoccupied with the thought of bleeding to death through my mouth.

so how are you matt? oh fine, i guess.
i try not to complain too much when people ask, but there's not really a lot to sugarcoat either.
i'm down 18lbs now. been to the ER once now, because of the bloodflow. i still can't eat anything more solid than the occasional bit of jello or softboiled egg. It hurts to talk, and i have to put a lot of thought into not sounding like i'm retarded. i've left the house a few times, but usually have to take a nap immediately afterwards. i'm not really sleeping at night because of the pills (that i'm almost out of..).
Am i better at all? Yeah, each day things seem a tiny bit better. yesterday was supposed to be about the pinnacle of the pain and all that garbage, and the rest of this week is supposed to be pure recovery. we'll see, i guess.
All in all, i haven't smoked since sunday before last. The little sleep i'm getting is seeming to affect me the way it should. i'm a little less fat. At the ER last night, even after losing all the blood i did, when they took more and tested it they told me my blood count was awesome. far above average. i've got cabin fever and i'm tired, but i'm starting to feel driven. like a sprinter at the line, waiting for the gunshot even though the guy's fallen asleep. i've put so much on hold for this crap, and even though the recovery seems to be taking forever, it's progressing on a pretty average scale. once i'm better, and insurance is paid, i can move forward with my life again.
I may have said similar recently, but moving forward is something i'm really excited for, and that's a pretty strange feeling, for me.

as of this morning, i'd lost 12 lbs since monday.
The most i've been able to force down was a softboiled egg. other than that, it's been popsicles, a little jello, and a very little bit of baby food. mmm.banana.
i figure by the time i can eat again i will have lost more. now i just need to figure out a way to keep it off.
everything still hurts really bad, but i think it may be letting up slightly today, as compared to yesterday.
the pills really don't do much, and my mom has even pushed me to call in for a stronger prescription, but i'm not sure i want to take that route. especially if things are going to be getting better now.
For as little as they're doing for me, they still make me itchy as hell. and, even though the effect isn't huge, the fact that i've been on this schedule with them since mon, including waking up nights to keep the dose up, rather than lose the continuous effect (this was a multiple dr. recommendation), is making everything seem slightly surreal.
I'm tired, the pain has been constant, i'm restless, and there's this buzzy feeling, and i'm starting to feel like this all may yet be just a dream.
i was able to sleep on my back twice yesterday, which is something i haven't been able to do in years now.
my parents have commented that they haven't heard me snore at all, even though my door's been open most of the time when i'm sleeping.
and, tired and knocked out as i've been, when i lay down for a short nap, i do feel quite a bit more invigorated than i normally may have.
wishful thinking?
i sure hope not.
because, if this all works out, it should be pretty awesome.

for now...it's mostly just pain.

there will probably be more tomorrow, from your soon to be emo-pants wearing narrator.

ow

so today pretty much sucks.


sore. swollen. tired.


you'd think coming out of surgery would be the worst time, not two days later.


guess we'll see how tomorrow goes.





i've had this as the wallpaper on my cellphone for quite a while now, but this week it takes on extra significance to me.
everything hurts, so i'm going to try to get some sleep.

i'm alive. i'm dead. i'm the stranger.

well, i survived the surgery.
and when i woke up i was feeling surprisingly good. more alert and well than after my wisdom teeth.
for the most part i feel ok. the pills don't do a whole lot for me, so my throat destroys me when i try to swallow or move too much, but the worst part is the stitches. god are they uncomfortable.
i seriously can't wait for them to dissolve.
and so begins my indefinite period of not being able to eat solid foods, not smoking, and hoping my already too-high tolerance to painkillers doesn't build up as fast as my body usually seems to.
again, i'm overwhelmed by the support i've gotten. it's amazing. you are all amazing.
though, there was a particular call i was hoping to get today that never came.
hm. oh well, huh.
other than that i've gotten tons of calls, and text messages, and general people checking in.
it really means a lot.
so, so far so good.
maybe not good, but definitely not as horrible as i was braced for, for a first day.
i even managed to get my tongue ring back in...i was really bummed out when they said i had to take it out, because last two times i've taken it out, even for 5 minutes, i had to get it redone...and i can't do that anymore.
tomorrow the swelling's really supposed to set in, and i imagine i'll be in more pain than this, but for now, i'm running with the thought that i'm doing exceptionally well, and will continue to do so.
i watched lucky number slevin today, and fuck was it awesome. clever, well shot, funny, and brutal as shit. and some gratuitous nudity too. what more could a guy ask for?
i also watched silent hill. not bad, but not nearly as good as everyone told me it was. most of it just seemed so pointless. like 'oh, let's have her run here so then we can throw this effect in'.
you never really get in to the plot or the characters.
but it had its moments.
tomorrow i've got disctrict 13, and munich on my plate.
and sometime this week, i will watch the extended LOTR trilogy again.
because...well...because i can, damnit.
my internet connection here's a bit spotty, but i'll be on here and there to say hi to people, and will try to check my email a few times a day.

oh yeah! i know it's too early to say for certain, but my voice does feel ok. when i'm healed i hope it's not changed, but from what i can tell from my raspy, stitches in the back of my throat, tone, i'm doing alright.

so thanks again everyone. i look forward to seeing you all again, when i can.

i need your grace to remind me to find my own.

There are so many great people in my life.
i know sometimes i take them for granted.
but with all the support i've gotten so far, i really just
need to remember to say thanks as much as i possibly can,
when i can speak again.

here i am, about to turn in. tomorrow's it.
seems like this has been a distant thing for so long that now it's here
it feels far too real.
but it will be what it is, and there's nothing i can do to change that.
now if only that thought were comforting in some way...
i will update as soon as i'm able.
thanks everyone. everything means a ton.


written earlier:
last day. bleh.
it rains and it's eerily warm.
my throat feels scratchy.
want to get drunk, but i won't.
tonight will be my last solid food for god knows how long.
today just feels bad. i'm tired and nervous
and i feel lonelier than i have in a long time.
..but i don't really want to be around anyone.
drink my coffee lukewarm.
lose myself
.in the blink of an eye.
craving sushi but i'm broke.
craving...
warmth.comfort.
I feel like such a sissy.
shouldn't be this nervous.
it'd be a good day for a long drive,
if i had enough gas.
but i don't.
--i just don't know.how to say. how i feel. those three words.
seems like there's nothing to say today.
just quiet. hollow. melancholy.
get another coffee.
stare outside, snowing in the mountains.
wonder how many more punk bands can cover 99 red balloons
before people start feeling duped.
wasn't any good to begin with.
get a hug from a friend, smile for a second.
think about leaving but no destination.
think about smoking.
going to try to quit after today.
won't have much choice for a few weeks anyway.

--If I lay here
--If I just lay here
--Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

breaking down the doors of old gods.

today is dark, ominous.
our talk turns to human sacrifice,
virgin blood.
but who can find that anymore?
roll a smoke in this poison air.
force it down.
reflect on the ending year.
another strange concept that means so nothing.
and yet we put so much stock in these traditions.
times are sacred to people,
and i have mine too.
in these days things have changed.
i've lost love and found other things.
i call a new house 'home'
i'm still working on my body, but i'm getting more and more ok with it.
i sing in a metal band and i love it.
a girl walks in, my brain stops.
maybe too young? who can tell anymore. definitely too snobby.
but she looks good and that's all i need from her anyway.
i have a beard and i wear boots,
roll my own smokes.
my unsubtle, unconscious reaction to the metro:emo:homo:waifs?
speaking of, the music here is fucking awful. big surprise.
i've cleaned up. dropped most of my harmful addictions,
cut back on the lesser ones,
learned to be me without the crutches.
and yes, my scars may be more naked now,
my face more drawn,
and i may struggle harder with my pet tormentors
and even fail more.
but i like to think i've moved away from that me.
hesitate to say that, for fear of word-eating.
and this on the verge of surgery,
and painkillers i'm not sure will even touch the pain anymore,
or will touch it too well.
not sure which thought is the more terrifying.
i've worked so hard to get here,
even though here is basically nowhere.
i've struggled every day of my fucking life for this
and i'm developing a better relationship with these demons.
i know they're mine for life, i don't mind that.
i will never move a mountain, or walk on water,
or end global suffering.
but i will be what and who i am,
and i will struggle, tooth and nail, every day.
and in the end..
nothing.
nothing.
nothing but what i made of it.
could i say everything was wonderful and nothing hurt?
hardly.
but it IS.
and was.
and there's nothing else to be done about it.
a white christmas tree shines in the corner.
plastic.
a tacky symbol of a season i can't stand.
this timid charade of more real times,
pagan rituals,
pure celebration.
but fuck 'modern pagans'
more charade.
pretense.
so what does one become 'now'?
is there anything true, anything pure?
or was all that as empty then as this is now?
we do have a tendency to romanticise things.
it's easy to do when genocide, war, and the decline of civilizations
can be thrown into a single, neat, mass of words, written from one perspective.
..
lose focus.
thoughts scramble.
.
a friend arrives just in time.

Broken glass aside, my feelings stay the same.

sit down to write and find a pamphlet.
scientology.
buncha freaks.
even crackpots consider them crackpots.
so of course i read it.
apparently they are the only solution to the toxins
that plague my body.
i always thought it'd be funny to go through their
tests.
but they're creepy and i really don't want anything to do with them.
not even for a joke.

so. the surgery.
basically my tonsils suck and my uvula is too big.
i went in to get the tonsils out, and maybe a trim.
mentioned i was hoping the removal would help
with my apnea, because i've been told quite a few times
that i stop breathing in my sleep.
the butcher says ok and recommends a sleep study
($2000 anyone?)
to confirm what i already told him.
so now the procedure changes.
now it's a UP3,
which is basically short for 'we're going to rip the shit out of you'.
tonsils, uvula, and part of the soft pallate have to come out.
i've been assured this will not affect my singing voice,
but compications can happen with any kind of surgery.
did some research online and it turns out i've opted for
one of, if not the most painful operations to have.
recovery ranges from a hellish two weeks to a hellish
god-knows-how-many-months.
and dying isn't unheard of, as i read it phrased.
so did i really want to go through with this?
well, here's the thing:
i've always had big nasty tonsils, and they're sore most of the time, ill or not.
with this new band they're taking extra abuse and getting intolerable.
and..
a few years ago i got sick and my uvula swelled so bad i
had to get a steroid shot to breathe/swallow.
ever since then it's been bigger than it was before.
sometimes it makes me gag out of the blue, moreso while i'm smoking.
again, with the new band, it's worse. and it's embarassing as hell being on stage
and trying not to throw up.
i've been thinking of getting it cut for years.
and now, the biggest part, which initially wasn't part of why i went in:
i've always felt tired, short of energy, etc.
i've been to the dr. multiple times only to be told i was healthy,
or that exercising would help (it doesn't).
i had just kind of resigned myself to this, and i try to get by how i can.
i'd been told i stop breathing in my sleep, and i've never slept well anyway.
never really made a connection, but now i wonder if
maybe this explains part of my seeming chronic malaise.
so i don't really see a good reason to not do this..
aside from the pain. and the delays in my life. and the potential to lose, well...things.
i worry about the risk.
i don't know what i'd do if i couldn't sing.
and i'm scared shitless of going under the knife.
but if nothing else happens, and my throat is more comfortable after,
i can justify this.
and if i have more energy/endurance/awakeness,
so much the better.
i'm just hoping for no complications,
and a shorter recovery than some i've read/heard about.

wish me luck, i may not get around to updating this before i go in on monday.
i'm staying at my parents the first week, and will have my laptop, though i don't know
how long it'll be before i'm up for writing anything.
so if i'm gone again for a while, don't worry.
and again, if you were thinking about dropping by like so many great, great friends have offered, please at least call first so i can tell you whether i'm up for company.
because i have a feeling i'm not really going to want to see anyone for at least a few days.
..or not going to want them to see me, i guess.

and if things go wrong, well...
see you in hell.




(if i believed in it)



--Is there a place I can go
--Is there a light to get me there
--If I've forgotten what to say
--It's because all words are dust
--If this is really what you think
--How come you won't look me in the eye
--All this crying in your sleep
--As I lie awake beside

this is my way

bad reggae plays. i can see my breath.
this is incongruity.
winter. here now, what a tragedy.
surgery monday.
have to be honest, i'm pretty freaked out.
closest i've been to surgery is getting my wisdom teeth pulled
and i felt like i'd been hit by a train for days after.
so here i go. told the band it'd be ok if i died.
because our cd's done. i could be a legend, and they can get
filthy rich.
and yes: i'm worried. and i joke, and try to shrug it off.
but i still am.
people keep getting mad when i tell them i probably won't want company.
call it ego,
but i think it's mostly because i don't like the idea of being seen as
weak(er?).
if i was dying a slow death, i'd probably ostracise everyone i know.
just to avoid that discomfort.
'he's kind of like, old. like 28 or 29'
jesus that's depressing to overhear, being 27.
someone starts playing the flute...in a coffee shop.
i hate people sometimes.

so.. our CD.
all the recording is done, and our primary mix is done as well.
on friday we're making final adjustments and mastering: done.
i keep listening to my copy and i have to say it seriously rocks.
i can't think of anything i've done that i've been as proud of.
and it's mean. listening to it, there's a stark, brutal feel.
makes you want to break stuff.
i think it's amazing, and i hope we can take it places.
.or it us.
we haven't planned any of the art or production yet,
but it shouldn't be long.
i sit, listening to asinine conversations, waiting for a friend.
i watch everyone grow up.
think how glad i'll be to be done with the studio.
because, as fun as it is, and as cool to say we're in, it's been grueling.
even though it's only been three weeks, it feels like a fucking eternity.
so now what?
pretty much all the plans...
pretty much all my life, is on hold because of this surgery.
i can't find a new job until insurance is paid off.
i can't go to school without a new job.
and i can't do a damn thing with the band or the cd
until i've recovered.
and god knows how long that could take.
so.
the surgery...


well.i'm out of time for right now. more tonight.