take a picture and keep it, remember i loved you that night.

i have a bone to pick.
First thing, though, i have a disclaimer to make that will seem odd until you read on.
I've always been a big fan of pirates. I remember when i was growing up, my dad sitting
beside my bed and reading me treasure island. He always had a set cutoff time and i was always
upset, because i wanted to know the rest of the story..how it all played out.
I remember being one for halloween more than once (as well as a cowboy.)
I've always followed archaeology news concerning pirate related finds with an extra keen eye
etc. etc..
That being said, i think the whole pirate fad that still seems to be going strong was played out
before it even really got started. I'm so tired of pirate flags and stickers, tattoos, and all the icons
of this strange phenomenon. You're not a pirate, you drive a minivan. if you were a pirate, you'd probably
be in laos right now, cruising around in a speedboat.
When i first joined my band two years ago, some of the songs were already written and it was my job to go in
and make the lyrics/vocals not only mine, but different enough that i couldn't be said to be copping from the old
singer, who i still like and talk to whenever i can. One of the songs had an intro that struck me as having a very
particular kind of rythm and flow. It sounded like a sea shanty. And so i set out to, for the first time, write something
maybe a little whimsical, impersonal, and really just a bit goofy. I wrote a pirate song. not only that, but i think i wrote
it pretty damn well.
It seems, though, that even when my subject matter is, on the surface, more lighthearted than usual, my words still end up being about
suicide, depression, and abandonment.
I always paint the same picture of my self-immolation, whether people notice or not.
go figure.
Not to play my bands stature up here, because we're not huge, but we've been playing this song (titled only 'the pirate song)
for almost two years now. We've played it for quite a few people, it's gotten some airtime on local stations, and it's the only song
we have, so far, where i've noticed people i didn't directly know mouthing the words as i sing on stage. So, we're not hugely famous, but that song is fairly well known around here, i'd say.
Here's where it gets tricky. I don't want to claim that we had the first pirate song, or the best, or even that it's a particular innovative
idea. I know these things aren't true.
BUT
by about six months after we started playing this song at shows, and with other bands, it became known to us that at least
two bands (who we'd played with) were doing pirate songs..one even just called it 'pirate song' like we did.
Then, last night, i was at a bar for a minute to see some friends when an old friend from another band came up, shakes my hand
and says 'hey dude, we're doing a pirate song now..like yours!'
as if i was supposed to jump up and down and say 'wow man, that's great. thanks for taking and diluting our creativity, i really
am flattered.'
My gripe has nothing to do with pirates, by the way. Like i said, i know i didn't have some amazing flash of never-before-touched
genius. But what i did have was honest, and from my mind, heart, and soul. I wasn't trying to cash in on some 'scene', and i definitely
wasn't trying to imitate someone's past success.
This is something i've noticed in the past with my band too. Again, i stress, we're no local superstars or anything like that, but we are a bit
known, and we've played for, and with, a lot of people. Small stature and everything, there have been no small number of bands who,
after we've played a show or two with them, suddenly start sounding, or acting, a bit more like us.
I guess i'm supposed to be honored, but i'm not.
Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery in my book. It's predatory, and cheap.
The above isn't my true gripe either though. It is, but i'm talking on a larger scale and using the most recent, and smaller example to
flesh it out.
I've never understood the proliferation of copycats in modern society. I do understand that nothing is truly original, but it should at least
be slightly different. My mind boggles when i see something, we'll say a store that sells everything for a dollar or less as their catch.
Then within a few months, someone else has a store with the same lettering and color scheme , only everything they sell is less than 99 cents. Then, even though store two offers either the same, or less quality, people start going there and taking away from the people who
originated the idea.
Local to here this can be seen with bean bag companies. We had love-sac, who brought bean bags back into fashion, but raised the price
about tenfold. As they started struggling, all of the sudden, here pops up two competitors who offer nothing different but the name on the label.
Maybe this just bugs me because i seem to have a (sometimes annoying) talent at finding the similarities between things. Quite often i'll
hear a song, band, see a piece of art, movie, whatever and, rather than being able to appreciate it at face value, can't because all i can hear is the blatant attempt to copy its influences.
Back to the band example; There could be no creativity without outside influence. There's simply no denying that. However, i'd like to see
more people called out on lack of their own individual flair. I can't even say how many bands we've played with lately that sound EXACTLY like Killswitch Engage, or slipknot, etc..and the thing that kills me is people love them. Here's where my gripe starts to sound like it borders on jealousy but it's not. I'd rather play for nobody at all and die completely unknown, than be known only as a semi-good imitation of someone we all like just that much better. I just look at it like, i like killswitch and i'm sure that, somehow, they've influenced me as a musician, but you take small pieces, you learn from the whole, and then you turn around and try to innovate on it, change it, make it better. I have no respect for someone who just apes and expects some kind of congratulations. All you've done is recycled, not added any quality. That was my biggest problem with the strokes, white stripes, hives, etc. they all did the same thing and it had been done, and better, way before they did.

Last night i called for my band to retire our pirate song. I'd rather move forward, than pull from someone else, and i DEFINITELY don't want to make the impression that i'm just trying to ride some easy wave called pop-culture.

cause you know what? fuck pop culture.



--wait, wait. i feel it unraveling. it comes with no warning at all and takes me over.
--all words fail.
--i'll fight it another day.

and now, without further ado, i present to you the triumphant return of: Ye olde x-mas list of death.

1. my mom is diagnosed with diabetes.
2. my dad is told he probably had a heart attack recently.
3. a coworker collapses and spends a week in the hospital
4. a friend has a problem i can't discuss publicly, but fits nicely on the death list.
5. battlestar galactica season 3 is released in england but not here until april.
6. a friend gets screwed in a custody hearing.
7. another friend hospitalized for internal bleeding after a botched surgery on an ectopic pregnancy.
..much more to come.

as i spread her thighs, my life flashes before my eyes

i drive home by myself
pavement glistens under streetlamps
flash back to my accident. i remember the sheer force of it
sexy, in a way.
can still see and feel it in perfect clarity in my head. i remember the smell.
strangely, there's no sound after the first crash. i think i was listening to vast
but can't be sure, as my deck was destroyed.
knew it was the end
but somehow i wasn't taken.
i round a corner and there is a wreck blocking most of the freeway
flashing lights and angry commuters.
part of me wonders if i'd been feeling someone elses rush.
continue on. faster.
my thoughts turn darker as days go by.
almost feels like the old me is back again;
the one who sits, surrounded by good friends, and feels like the most lonely person
in the whole of human existence.

spend another night alone.
more lately than in the past year or so.
chalk one more thing up to the world crumbling around me.

i'm not sure i can do this anymore.