Do you feel alive now? now that you own the dead.

sit alone in a sleeping house. cover one eye so i can see.
the world spins: i am its captive.
fall asleep with my boots on.
keep telling myself, and others, that i don't drink as often anymore
and that is entirely true.
but i think i drink an unhealthy quantity when i do.
was told i was the devil last night.
punched my friend too hard when he tried to headlock me.
feel bad.
get in a drunken argument with my girlfriend outside after 1.
seems to be happening way too often lately.
sit, alone, in a sleeping house. in penance.
for something i can't even comprehend.
she tells me my depression is trivial. that i can just 'change it' in my head.
which shocks me when i consider the field she's in.
it's not getting better, it's getting worse.
and i'm deciding, now, that the alcohol contributes slightly to that so i'm done for a while.
god, if only it were as easy as just shutting off my demons.
what a different life i might have led.
flip through my hosts porn collection. nothing good. no point anyway.
funny, peoples tastes.
we're all so vulnerable
when we sleep.
maybe that's why i have a hard time doing it.
almost always the last one down.
i see faces in everything.
the spackle on my ceiling. the corner of a darkened television.
they are immobile and tortured.
and i wish they were as beautiful as i used to find them.
--though i have a broken dream.
grab an empty journal
-or so i thought.
three pages of west coast thoughts, tortured and powerful.
chemical.
from the height of despair and depth of my life.
that word...
i'm told, on occasion, that i'm good at many things.
so why is it i can't be good at the most important one?
why do i fail at the most base act: happiness?
why am i so bad at this life,
where every smile comes at the cost of grit teeth
and i struggle every day to let myself continue with it.

lately: so rare i find beauty in anything.
rather: absurdity.
hopelessness.decay.
find a moment.
pick it up.
scream at myself, rip out my brain and tear it to shreds
:lose it:
as quickly as it came.
think about days,
sweat, sheets, blood on my arm,
sex, death, vertigo
glamour
almost losing myself, so nobly, powerful
you almost lost me too
-some may as well have.
felt like a god as i broke me down
but of course i'm only a man. a fuck up
who can't even give up properly.

--torches to bridges and bridges to torture
--headlines distort what we see as our borders