I run my fingers across windows to trace all the outlines that make up your face

I sit here alone in my room,
underneath a sky that looks like it wants to snow.
type on a borrowed laptop...mine's gone the way of the buffalo.
alone i can be myself.
give in to the sorrow, if only for an hour or two.
the last two books i've read for my childrens lit class
(that i may drop tomorrow) have made me cry.
and the one i'm trying to squeeze in on personal time is just plain amazing.
the omnivores dilemma.
everyone should read it.
roommate pounds off-rythm drums in the room next to mine, sings along off-key
the sound never stops here anymore. it goes from movie, to movie, to recording,
to singing along with cd's back to movies.
there is never a moments peace here, never a quiet moment.
ponder moving out again
because paying rent again might be worth a little peace-and-fucking-quiet.
leaving for san diego on wednesday, what should be a much needed vacation,
only it's destroyed my school schedule for the next two weeks
adding more stress than i'm sure the break can even come close to helping
a flight to the place of my birth
the dream of leaving this all behind.
took a stress test in one of my psych classes and scored far higher than is healthy.
may have bitten off more than i can chew.
life may be more than i can chew...
got a new car.
signed over my green baby tonight (still waiting to get paid..)
realize she's gone from my lover to the daughter a father eventually has to let go of
when she gets married.
spent 7 years and almost 200 thousand miles in that car, and i still dug it.
my friend, the new owner, is already talking about souping her up again
and i guess more than lover or father, i'm the bastard who betrayed,
traded in for younger, sleeker, sexier.
black and fast is my new baby.
and i'm getting enough tax return $ this year that i can pay a big chunk of my medical bills
and still have a chunk to put back into her,
to make her even faster.
because when all is said and done, who doesn't like the feel of screaming beasts at foot;
steel and fire tearing through everything in the way.
that's the only real positive i have to report.
wonder what it's like to have a home
where i can shut the door and the only sound is my own.
i miss sleep, friends, intoxication, irresponsibility.
'you look exhausted' she says.
'you seem way out of it' he tunes in later
and all i can muster in response is
'i am'
my hands tremble.
i have to force myself to work out.
exhausted but can't sleep well.
go figure.
been paying attention to diet more lately.
debating another change.
part of me really wants to go back to being vegan
and part wants to wean myself back on meat. just enough that i could eat it without
getting sick.
so i may combine the two. be mostly vegan, but work in a little meat here and there
to keep healthy
and to not feel so damned egotistical
because, honestly, it's very egocentric to be veggie or vegan.
we are spoiled babies who are too good for something a lot of people would literally kill to have.
what else would be expected from the land of anorexia.
vanity.
but part of it is still a big part of me.
I don't eat a lot of processed food anyway, but reading that book has made me really want to fight back
against that whole system as well.
buy out of buying in.
eating shit is not yet a foregone conclusion
it's just cheaper.


--I'm sleeping tonight with all the wolves
--while dreaming of life that's better planned
--as long as the wind that falls isn't longing for revenge
--i should be safe
--we should be safe