i'm drowning.
ropes and vests keep being thrown
by hands and hands, some wrong some right,
but i can't seem to grasp them.
i burn and i cool
i cry and then i rage
i sigh at the world crashing around me, and then i wish i could set it all on fire.

staying alive has become my only function and i feel like i'm failing at even that.

i think i'm going to run away. soon. tuck my tail up in my legs and just run as far and as fast as i can. thought i was going to stay a while, now i don't think i can.
everyone says running away doesn't solve problems. but it at least puts distance between them.
and the only thing that's going to fix this problem is time anyway. or...something i'm too chickenshit to do anyway.

I want to close my eyes and shut it all out
but i can't sleep anymore
my laugh and my life is hollow
and it'll be moreso without certain people
but at this point i feel like i'm dead to just about everyone anyway.

bury my face in my hands and sob
and it stops
and then it hits me again
fight and surrender, hate self, repeat.

I don't even find joy in riding right now. my one safe escape has been nullified.

and i'm fucked.
and when i'm not burning i'm defeated.
and i was never that good at anything anyway