another

I stand and smoke in the dirty winter air.
The world has just ended.
The ground beneath me is still stable and cars pass, full of holiday shoppers.
An old woman walks by singing 'have yourself a merry little christmas' off-key to the music pumped by the city onto the street.
The world has just ended because she is gone.
I try to think back to happy moments, to stay positive, but can only feel shock and hurt.
This is what the survivors at Nagasaki must have felt; wracked with disbelief as their world vaporized around them. Family and friends blown away, physical entities eaten in one quick storm of hell.
Wonder: Where did they go; How did they survive?
What can humanity do after its heart is torn from its trembling grasp?
I jump in the car and drive toward home. 'Home' for the moment being a temporary setup in my parents basement.
Strike two.
Mentally work through the crisis that i'm 30, suddenly single, and living back with my parents. Try to call a friend to alleviate the panic.
'We're sorry but your service has been temporarily suspended for a past-due balance'
'fuck!'
strike three.
Having utterly failed at life I scrape together spare change.
'yes!'
just enough for a coffee..but not for a refill.
It's saturday. Payday is thursday. I have a pack and a half of smokes and a half-tank of gas til then and i'm screwed, because life drives the urge to chainsmoke.
I think of how heartbroken i've been this last month as i tried to make things work between us; how i spent each day in hell for nothing...and then there was the lie or, as she claimed, her forgetfulness..sent me into a 30-minute tailspin as i drove too fast and trembled. My heart raced and i felt like i was going to burst.
-'this is what going insane feels like' I thought to nobody in particular.
Then came the cold, both physical and emotional. Cracked a window to smoke and winter night froze my little insulated world immediately; froze so well I forgot to be heartbroken and, in that instant, that blast of cold, the world ended.
The radio tells me 'Today is the greatest day i've ever known' in that grating, nasal, whine. I resent the choice of song and feel almost a glimmer of emotion well in me. I smash it down.
No emotion for this guy, only loss, anger, and loneliness.
He steps away from himself, assesses his life:
has nothing. is nothing.
wanted only one thing.
'way to fuck that one up buddy.'
'shut up'
He knows it wasn't his mistakes that caused the apocalypse and yet, can't help but wonder if...
well..he has no use for 'what if'. He needs 'how?'
how to survive.
how to move forward.
how the fuck did he end up in the third person?
I take the narrative back and sit, sipping lukewarm, awful coffee. The shop is nice, the owner a friend, but the coffee is terrible as ever. Served up at a piping 65 degrees by a girl i used to find cute, but somehow don't anymore.
I rub my neck.
ah. pain. physical pain.
I am still alive.
:::
:::
:::
Lucky me.
A lady comes in and orders a 'grande' latte. All around cringe visibly. The formerly-cute girl takes it in stride, graciously educatinng the lady, whos timbre sends fingernails down my mental chalkboard.
More sad music. Pulling me down now.
I get the urge to run -or to cry, which makes me want to run as I am unwilling to break down in the coffee shop.
Both wash over me uncontrollably and i stand to leave.
The drive home is rough. I am distracted. I forget to shift at a stop. Stall my car at a light. Feel the setting sun illuminate my eyes. Recall how they were, more than a few times, described as 'wildcat eyes'. Now i'm not so sure. If they reflect the soul they are more than likely dull and lifeless.
[Break]